Friday, May 15, 2009

I broke my bum once...

I broke my bum once, sometimes when storms a' comin' I get a peculiar tingle in my cheekies.
I was a junior in high school, summer was coming to an end so some of my friends and I decided to go to one of the local lakes for swimming and cliff jumping. Already three problems with that- 1. It's western Washington, the sun was shining but it was still about 70 degrees with a breeze and a probable chance of rain. The water was probably >50 degrees so we were going to have to swim pretty hard to ward off hypothermia. 2. I'm terrified of heights so the highest that I was planning to jump off was from the car to the ground. 3. I'm very prideful, very prideful and not in a good way.
The water ended up being too cold for a leisurely swim so my friends began jumping off the rocks then floundering around in the freezing water until they flopped up on shore shivering, it wasn't pretty. I watched for awhile but then decided I was only young once. Then I did it, I jumped off. "I'm a maniac, no one can stop me. What a thrill, I can't believe I let my fear of heights hold me back for so long, I was missing so much." I thought to myself as I jumped again off the two foot high rock into one foot of water. Victory!!!
Slowly I found myself jumping off higher rocks, by the time I was gracefully leaping off 6 foot rocks my friends were at the top of the highest cliff they could jump off of. I stood in the water, my eyes widened and I quietly peed myself as the 30 ft cliff loomed over my head. Soon my "friends" started yelling at me to just "climb" the cliff, I didn't need to jump. I gave in to peer pressure and found myself crouched down in a fetal position wondering how the h%ll I was going to get back down to the ground that I love so dearly.
One by one my "friends" tried to jump but no one had the nerve. They would back up for a running start but right before the edge of the cliff they'd veer off course for some reason
"I twisted my ankle, ouch, that's why I couldn't jump"
"I thought I saw a small child swimming where I would land, I didn't want to squish him."

After about 25 minutes of the cowards not jumping we were joined by a rugged, well built, brave group of college boys. I tried to unroll from my fetal position to a sexy pose but my body wouldn't listen to my crazy hormones. I did manage to flip to my other side, like a limp fish, so I could study the beauty standing before me.
The rugged, brave college boys were getting each other revved up about jumping. It was cute, I think they were even slapping each other on the tushy to get themselves psyched up. One by one they backed up and started sprinting to the edge of the cliff.
"I twisted my ankle, ouch, that's why I couldn't jump"
"I thought I saw a small child swimming where I would land, I didn't want to squish him."
"I think there's a shark in the water..."

Then something snapped in the brain of my friend, Trisha, she took a deep breathe and before anyone could blink she took a flying leap off the cliff. Her screams echo in my brain to this day. Then one of the rugged college boys said "Man, she's brave. That's hot." My pride trigger had been activated. I couldn't let Trish be the only brave, hotty. Like a bullet I shot up from my comfortable fetal position and without even looking over the cliff I ran as fast as my short little legs would go. I lifted off the edge of the cliff and for one millisecond I was an eagle, the wind whipping through my hair. I could fly. My ill planned intention, which was to keep my body straight and land feet first in the water, disappeared when I stopped flying and started falling. My high pitched girly scream turned into a deep throated yell of a black man as I balled myself up into my trusty fetal position. That's right my blogging BFF's, when I am truly scared I don't scream like a girl, my voice turns really deep and I'm often mistaken for a man. I'm not talking adolescent male on the verge of puberty who's voice cracks. I'm talking Louie Armstrong "What a Wonderful World" vocal range.

So there I was falling from a 30 foot cliff, cursing those rugged college boys and my d@mned pride. As with the law of gravity, the heaviest part of my body hit the water first, my bummy-bum bum. It was like hitting a cement sidewalk. As I sunk into the cold waters, I was thankful that it was so cold. It numbed everything so for a few blissful seconds I felt peace. Then I tasted a spandex/cotton/rayon blend in my mouth. What the heck? I felt my body, searching for my one piece swimsuit, it was like it had magically disappeared. I finally found it lodged so far up my _____ that I wasn't sure my first aid training had taught me the correct way to removed objects from that particular region.

I surfaced like a crocodile, just my head poked out of the water as I assessed my situation. The rugged, cowardly college boys were looking over the cliff (none of them ever did end up jumping and I never even got a kiss for my bravery). I needed to somehow get to a place where I could stretch out and hope my swimsuit would bounce back to it's normal position, that or find a crane with a hook that could dislodge the unwanted spandex blend.
With much difficulty I was able to get my clothing back into it's proper place, I laid on my side in the car until my "friends" were ready to go. I couldn't sit on my bum because the combination of hitting the water so hard and the world's deepest wedgie had done some serious damage to my tailbone.
Months later I still had a slight limp, years later I still couldn't sit on a hard chair for more than a few minutes at a time. And even now, sometimes late at night I can still taste spandex/cotton/rayon as I dream and uncomfortably clench my cheekies together.
This guy has the right idea, nakey cliff jumping would have made a lot of my problems disappear...

4 comments:

Colleen Marie said...

Can you imagine the sting that would have accompanied the nakie dive?

hil said...

i don't use the phrase "laugh-riot" very frequently, but i've got to say that this story was a total laugh-riot! i needed a good laugh today. i'm proud of your bravery and shudder to think of the enema a nakey jump would provide. if that thought won't keep you out of a cliffed lake, then nothing will!

Aramie Judd-Randall said...

Haley, I laughed my @%# off when I read that you scream like a black man when your scared. Now I am determined to hear this scream. I broke me bum a few months ago when I fell down the stairs, and I had to go out and by one of those hemrroid donuts to sit on while I drive my car! It hurts bad when I sit on the chairs at church too, but I will NOT take the donut to church. A girl has to have a little dignity.
Speaking of wedgies, Kacey and I were in TJ Maxx today and we went down one of the handbag aisles. This youngish good-looking dude turned the corner ahead of us just as we came around the corner, and he must have thought he was alone in the aisle because he dug WAY up in there to get at a wedgie right in front of us. I'm wondering what kind of undies could have created the kind of wedgie that would require so much effort?

Ali said...

The tallest bridge I ever jumped off was 50 feet. I did it over and over again because all my cousins were there and would've mocked me if I didn't. But this was when I was 16, stupid and cared what others thought.

However, when at Lake Powell last summer I climbed up and jumped off a 10 or 15 foot rock. It was SOOO much more painful than the 50 foot rock! Why? Because of my ginorm Breastfeeding boobs that nearly got ripped off my body when I hit the water. So I totally sympathize with your perpetual taste of spandex in your mouth. I had to check to make sure I didn't rip the bottom of my boob open and my boob guts were spilling out.

I think that you and I should get together and dare each other to do things. I bet we BOTH would win. However, clothes must remain on at all times.