Friday, August 1, 2008

Rare sighting of the Flat-Chested-Getto-Booty Bird


Aramie talked about her pink bird, I too found a bird...

I'm humiliated! My life has been one of ease and unconcern. Yesterday my carefree world was shattered when I tried on this:



The cutest swimsuit ever. I carefully shopped around, looking for the perfect style, checked the measurements and finally bought it online. As I shimmied into it I could tell right away that something wasn't right. The top fit nicely, it made my flat chest look...well...bigger. Slimmed down my waist. As I looked in the mirror I congratulated myself on my purchase. I slowly turned around, checking out every possible angle to see where I might need to do an extra crunch or squat and making sure there weren't any bulges. When to my horror, I had turned to the point where I say my pasty white backside oozing (and I mean OOZING) out of my suit.
In that moment I realized the real meaning of getto-booty. Nate tried to comfort me as I tearfully showed him what I had been trying to hide our whole marriage, my big-bum. He said it didn't look too bad, then he said it was a really cute (yes, Nate uses the word cute) swimsuit.
Now my dilemma is: do I just wear a two piece and throw a tank top over it or do I go for the next size up and hope that my chest finally catches up to my rear?
CALLING FELLOW BIG-BOOTY WOMEN: We don't need to be ashamed, I just need advice. Any suggestions??

6 comments:

gigi said...

That is a way cute suit! I really like it especially in black. I'd keep it or exchange it, but I definatley like the style!

gigi said...

Hey, I'm offering a free place to stay! King size bed and private bath and the use of Harry's '97 chevy pick up hunting truck! So just call and set a date and I'll give you the combination to the front door lock! And don't think I am kidding one drop. I am very serious! That goes for any Judd that reads this!

hil said...

oh, Gigi. don't think i won't show up at your door and be all like, "um, can i have the keys to the truck? Darby is asleep in that king-sized bed, so keep it down." Haley, i am dying laughing at your post. you are hilarious. and what else is laughable is that you think your butt could ooze. well, maybe if you have some hygenic problems or serious diarhea (for as much as i use that word, you'd think i'd have the sense to learn to spell it). you are so tiny and i'm sure you look awesome in your suit. if you're really self conscious, just get a super dark tan so that you look like your are half-cast and then it'll be like your Turk quote---hell yeah!

Prissy & Hero said...

I am SO with you. The PC term for it is Pear shape. I would know. I come from a Loooonnnnggg line of them. I've used tons of those silly 'what looks best on your body' swim suit helps, but I've never been satisfied. Swim suits aren't made for us. Not really. I need extra oommph for my chest and most swim suits just line you with the reality that you're....flat. So, not much help there. I usually buy from VS because they have tons that are push up and padded. Yay VS for something! As for the swim suit, I'd just keep the one you have. Likelihood that the next size up would fit your chest...well, if you're like me...not good. Sorry. Not much help!

Amanda said...

I'm sure it's not as bad as it seems. That bathing suit was way cute and, coming from a flat chested lady, just be happy the top part looks good and don't worry about the rest!!

Thank you for being such a faithful reader of my blog, it really means a lot to me.

Jocelyn said...

Don't sweat it, toots. The suit is way cute. I can see why you're probably having booty trouble, though. It's not your butt, it's the cut of the suit. I've noticed that any time a swim suit has a striaght cut across the butt, such as yours or boy shorts, etc., it makes the butt look big. Some rare people can pull it off (probably those who have no butt to begin with). It's trying to fit a round butt into a square suit-- doesn't work. They look bad on me, too, and my butt is just as perfect as the rest of me. (Humble, humble, humble)

It's still a really cute suit, and I think it will bring enough attention upwards (if you know what I mean) that you don't have to worry about the booty.