Monday, December 8, 2008

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...

My darling, sweet younger sister has claimed, since a young age, that I pushed her out of line in heaven. She says that she was suppose to be the big sister. According to legend, I physically removed her from her lawful seat as first child with my superhuman strength.
Not one to forgive and forget, she tells anyone who will listen that as revenge for the cruelty of her sister she stood in line for what seemed like forever (it was heaven, who knows, it might have been forever...) until at last she graciously signed the paperwork for not only her own, but for my set of...um...how can I say this delicately with out embarrassing my brother or father-in-law...my share of the bosoms.
I didn't think this bosom stealing would take, until the day I walked off the airplane after spending 18 months in AZ. I looked up to a strange fabled creature known to some as an Amazon woman. As the Amazon woman gave me a hug, I felt like Shmendrick the Magician from The Last Unicorn:
I smiled at my family as I self consciously folded my arms across my un-endowed chest. I mean holy cow, I'd never believed Amazon woman's heaven story until that moment.

I stuffed my bra until I was about 17. At 17 I learned about one of man's greatest inventions: push-up bras. It's not cheating if the bra already has padding in it, right? Nate says it's false advertisement, I say he better be thankful for what he's got.
Anyway, one Sunday while preparing for church (I was between the age of 14-16) I grabbed a couple socks and balled them up into what seemed like a good shaped C-cup to me. My tight blue striped,spandex (I know, I know, spandex again) shirt clung to my bursting bosoms as I stood a little straighter. My mom wanted to say something but she wisely decided against it. She didn't know what I was going through anyway, she has never suffered the curse of the negative cup. I wish she would have said something though, one of the 19 year old punk Elders from church asked to have his picture taken with me. I thought it was because he thought I was cute, it's been a recent realization that is was because my falsies made for a good picture in his photo album (shame on you Elder!).

Anyway, I could go on about how I call Amazon woman Boobaly. Or that when the Victoria Secrect employee measured her, the employee had to go get the "bra" expert to make sure she didn't measure wrong. But I don't want to embarass my sister so I'll just end with this:


Look Logan, we do wear the same size!!!

PS: You're lucky that's all I did with it, next time I'm going to soak it with water and stick it in the freezer!
PSS: Oh yeah, and Logan, you are the big sister...

8 comments:

Ali said...

Oh my goodness!! I love the picture of your booty!!!. . . . .wait, that came out wrong.

I have a certain picture of a one most beautiful Hillary Judd with a similarly silly bra placement. It makes me smile just knowing it exists.

I'm telling you, if you had them, you would wish they were gone. I wish every day I was a size A. Lucky duck you.

hil said...

Haley, your body is perfect. it's the body i signed up for in heaven, but i offended God somehow and he gave me the stuff out of the lost and found. i LOVE that picture---you are hilarious! does Logan appreciate her woomies, or does she wish they were not so bountiful?! don't worry-when you start having babies, you'll get the wooms you always desired.

gigi said...

False advertisement?? Not at all. Just helping mother nature a small bit :) The booty bra is very clever. Maybe you could market that because my booty could really use some lifting.

Prissy & Hero said...

Hilarious! I definitely must have pushed my sister out of line too then. Bum younger sisters getting all the fun.

Logan said...

just so everyone knows haley is just jealous that i have bosoms and she will never know what its like. Besides boobs are just ugly there just skin and fat. i dont understand why guys even find them attractive and there's no way of controlling them at my size.

logan said...

one more thing haley, you and marshall are bungholes

Washington Cowgirl said...

Logan, you don't mean that. You're just angry. It's ok, I forgive you.

Rabidparadise said...

Did your sister curse me too? That would explain SO much. And, I <3 the pic of your booty too. You should frame it for Nate to take to work!