I don't mean to be the envy of the town but umm...two weeks ago I was privileged enough to see the Pioneer Woman at her book signing. Now, I wish that I could brag to you all that I met PW but there were a few things working against me.
The signing was scheduled to start at 7:00 pm. I figured I'd leave my house at 6:30ish, buy a book at the bookstore hosting her (you know to support the local stores), 7:00 meet PW and say something clever that would make us instant friends, 7:05 I'd be out the door with a signed book, 7:15 sitting in my living room watching the World Series looking through my newly signed book where PW would have written "Dear Haley, I love reading your blog, you are so hilarious. You and your husband should come stay at the ranch. Will you be my best friend? Love, PW."
Easy as pie (by the way, who ever made up that saying has obviously never endeavored on the adventure that is pie making).
Things did not go as planned. Nate suggested I leave before 6:00 (I thought he was crazy, turns out he's a pretty smart guy). He sacrificed watching the beginning of the World Series to come with me. So we arrived at the bookstore, it was empty. Awesome, I'd be back home ahead of schedule. I went to buy a book, I was considering buying a few so I could give them away as gifts. Luckily I went with my instincts and only asked for one at the register. Amazon sells PW's book for about $15.00, I nearly peed my pants right there in public when the price was $30.00. THIRTY STINKING DOLLARS! I paid for my book, swearing under my breath, and turned around looking for PW. I was then told to walk down the street and wait in line because she was first going to speak to people at the little gallery. I walked to the end of the line, I felt like Ralphie in A Christmas Story as he waited for Santa, there were 240 people in front of me. Nate called from where he finally found a spot to park the car. He kindly asked if I wanted him to wait in line. He was hoping I'd say no, I said yes. As he walked down the line to where I stood, mothers pulled their children closer too them. Groups of women avoided eye contact and shifted their purses to their other side. A few ladies even pulled out their mace to be used as self defense. Nate hadn't planned to be seen in public so his 2 week beard growth, his baseball hat on backwards, his shirt that said "I (grenade) NJ" made him look like one scary fella. If I had been smarter we probably could have cut to the front of the line and no one would have said anything because he would have destroyed them with one look.
I was given a ticket so I would know what group I was in when it my turn to meet her. We all squished into the little gallery, waiting and waiting. Nate had left me by this time, he doesn't do crowds.
Finally she walked in, she walked by me. I could have reached my foot out and tripped her if I wanted to (I would never do that). She moved to the front of the gallery where she began talking. I was not meant to hear her words. I was too far in the back. All I heard was the laughter of the people in the front as she told her clever stories.
Around me babies cried because they were tired, children cried because they were bored, husbands cried because they had been dragged to this estrogen consumed place and were missing the World Series.
I began to feel claustrophobia stricken me as people pushed in closer and closer. A million thoughts rushed through my mind "PW is really tall." "I like her hair" "This woman behind me is getting a little close" "Why did this woman cut in front of me?" "I wonder what the score is?" "Maybe I should have borrowed/stole someone's baby because PW loves babies."
I had to leave, I couldn't endure one more moment. So I walked out the door, losing my place. I still had my tickets so I saw two women talking on the sidewalk. I started to walk over to them to offer them my tickets. Right as I was about to open my mouth to speak, I realized that one of the women was PW's mother-in-law. I almost humiliated myself by asking if she wanted a ticket to see her own daughter-in-law. I caught myself, turned, tripped, didn't fall, passed off the tickets to some other ladies and dashed to the car where Nate was listening to the World Series on the radio. We drove home in silence. I clutched my $30.00 book close to me and started to plan the time I would return it then go buy it on Amazon.
PW, sorry we never meant to be. We could have been great together.