Monday, April 21, 2008

Not in a good mood!

I had a bad weekend so if you are looking to be enlightened, uplifted, or humored; now is not the time... I'm not looking for pity or attention, I just need to vent. I am always open to advice.

I'm so frustrated with my life right now, I feel like I'm not going anywhere or progressing in anyway, spiritually, mentally, or any other ally.
My job is a job, I enjoy it for the most part, I work for the University of Utah in the bioengineering department. I have a credit card with a $50,000.00 limit ( how can that be bad?) where I get to shop online and I get to set up visits from professors from around the world. It can be stressful since my boss is a female version of the boss from the "Office" (I'm serious, not even joking). I'm not going to go anywhere with this job, I don't want to get stuck here because this is not how I picture my life at all.
As for school, I'm 26 and I barely have my Associates, and even that isn't helping me, I'm going back the the LDS Business College for crying out loud. I feel like I've taken 10 steps backwards.
Spiritually, I feel empty, I admit that part of it is my fault. I haven't been studying the scriptures like I should but I'm so tired of primary. I feel like church (primary) is more of a drain to me than anything else and I dread Sundays for that reason. This weekend we had our primary activity. I was so excited, we sent out little mission calls to the kids and had members of the ward sign up to set up tables with pictures that memiors from where they served their missions. I asked my teachers to be there to help and bring cookies or treats. I only had three people who volunteered display tables show up and not one of my teachers came; I was so disappointed. The night before the activity, I decided to make some cookies just in case we needed a little bit more, I didn't realize I was the only one bringing anything. I was so depressed about the whole thing, I didn't go to church yesterday; that might be selfish and immature but I was so mad I couldn't stand the thought of seeing anyone. Our ward is a difficult ward, Nate really struggles with the people because the have a "what's in it for me?" attitude. Apparently nothing was in it for them this weekend. I've asked the bishop to release me since I'll be starting school soon and I don't think I can handle all the responsibility of primary, work, school and Nate.
I bawled my eyes out yesterday, poor Nate. He says I've been moody lately (no I'm not pregnant) but I'm so stressed out about church, work, school, finances that I just don't realize i'm a pain to him, I try not to be moody.

Ok, I'm done. As I read back on this, I really shouldn't be complaining, things could be worse. I believe though, when you're struggling spritually you struggle in every other aspect of life. I can change part of that and the bishop can change the rest by releasing me!


N & K Caulder said...

I have to say, it was nice to hear someone else say how hard their primary calling was. Mine drives me nuts every Sunday. I feel like it's a duty and an endurance calling. I figure I can make it a year. It's just not very much fun. My spirituality isn't at its best either. I try to make up for it at home, but when you're working full time with a little one, it's not always so easy to accomplish. Hang in there. It will get better. I know I had a bad time for almost a year, and finally it passed.

Aramie Randall said...

Haley, you deserve to vent once in a while as much as anyone. Primary is a very hard place to be-especially when you are the president, have no support from teachers and parents, and are working and going back to school. I think you should (and please forgive me but I am a Judd) bitch out all of the adults in the primary and give the Bishop an earful about what losers they are. I am about to turn 30 and only have an associates degree. You are moving forward, and it doesn't matter how slow you are going- slow and steady wins the race! I remember talking to a friend once (she also happened to be my dentist), and I was saying the same thing- that I felt like I was getting too old to be where I was in life. That I was (I think I was 26 at the time) 26 and just going back to school, etc. She said something that made a lot of sense- she said "well, your going to be 26 anyway, so you might as well be moving forward with your life." SO TRUE! There's no certain age by which you have to have school finished, or be financially secure, etc. Believe me, I've had this one-way conversation with myself a hundred times!
Your magazine subscription is still on its way. Sorry it is taking me so long to get on the ball. Nothing will make you happy like Country Living!
I read your comment on Gigi's blog. You do have old-timey talent! I'm pretty sure good cookin' and horsemanship skills go waaaaaayyyy back. You are Calamity Jane, only in a good way.
I love you so much!

Cindy Judd said...

Haley, usually when I have a day like you did on Sunday that means that something new is on the horizon. Whether it be a new calling or ? Satan always works hardest on me when a new challenge or calling or something important is about to come my way.Love You

gigi said...

I feel your pain. Been there and done that for 5 years. But I must say, being Primary President is still easier than being Y/W of R/S Pres. Hope the rest of your week has been better!