Tuesday, November 10, 2009

IBS is a pain in my...

Would any of my brilliant blogging BFF's care to finish the title of this post for me? I'll wait...and I promise it is the first thing that came into your naughty little minds.

I guess I haven't spared any details about my life so far, why stop now? Hi, my name is Haley and I have IBS. It's horrible. Now I realize that there are so many other things that are worse and I should really shut my ungrateful mouth and be thankful for my raw, chaffed rear-end, but when I'm running around wal-mart praying that I make it home because I would rather die than sit on a wal-mart toilet (I don't have enough strength in my thighs to hover that long)it's hard to appreciate the worse problems that other people have.

When I married into the Judd family I learned their secret family motto "Wipe until it bleeds, then keep wiping." As I recall, I had to raise my right hand to the square and pledge my obedience to this creed before I could marry Nate. Sometimes I really regret making such a rash decision.

I finally decided that I needed to nip this thing in the bud (or the butt...ha ha, not funny) so I threw aside my pride and went to the doctor. Hello young male doctor, please let me tell you all about my digestive problems and bowel movements.

Our conversation went as follows:
Dr: How are we feeling today?
H: Awesome, that's why I came in. I just want you to see what a healthy person looks like since all you see the whole day is sick people. Would you like to give me a colonoscopy so you can see what a healthy colon looks like?
(That's not what I really said)
H: Doing ok.
Dr: What seems to be the trouble?
H: I can hardly eat anything without getting sick. Crohn's disease runs in my family so I want to check things out.

Blah, blah, more boring questions, blah, blah...answers that I won't share with those of you that are so dear to me, just know it involves words like greasy, floating, and scrum-dittaley-umpshous.

Dr: Well, I don't think you have Crohn's, I think you have IBS (Irritable Bowels Syndrome) caused by stressed. Is there anything stressful going on in your life?
H: (I laugh as I self-consciously stroke my head of gray hair) Yes, there are a few things.
Dr: Have you taken immodium when you've had problems?

This was the one question that actually made sense. No, I hadn't even thought about taking immodium. I figured if my body rejecting this food maybe I better get it out of my system.

H:No I haven't. This has lasted more than a few days and medicine labels always say to consult a doctor if you have constant problems.
Dr: Well, I suggest taking immodium when you feel sick. Also, we'll need a sample.
H: A sample of what...?
Dr: ................(use your imagination, I can't do everything for you).

Haley's eyes get wide and at that moment she decides that she'll get a lifetime supply of immodium and never ......... again. The doctor has yet to receive his sample, he wanted Haley to send it in the mail THE MAIL!!!! Gross!

End of doctors visit. Good news is that I didn't have to experience a colonoscopy.

So anyway, the next day I ate something and felt that familiar rumbling in my stomach. I quickly downed an immodium. The rumbling stopped. Awesome, no sicky sick for me. That was a Tuesday morning. Wednesday passed, but nothing else did...if you get my drift. Thursday, nothing. Friday, starting to feel a little uncomfortable and nervous. I didn't realize immodium was sent by Satan to seal your intestines shut. They didn't write that on the label.

Long story short, all is well in the Judd household. I just avoid ice cream and lettuce. I keep half an immodium pinned inside my undies, just for emergencies. And my little red cheekies are not so red anymore.

Thank you, you wicked, wicked little pill.


hil said...

Haley, i laughed till i pooped! then i laughed some more, then i pooped some more. all in all, what a great post! i especially like the part about raising your hand to the square. that was awesome. but, you promised to keep that part a secret... i'm so glad it's ibs and not crohns. i'm glad your tush rawness is in remission. you have a gift for writing; you are hilarious.

Curried Cupcakes said...

Wow... You should eat one of Harvey's birthday cupcakes. They are blue, really blue.

Seriously though i hope the Dr. is able to get you all better.

Ali said...

The Judd wiping motto is NO JOKE! And it makes me so happy to know they are swearing in new members of the family to live by the motto. Makes my heart glad.

I had NO IDEA what IBS was until an old roommate told me that all of them had it on her mission in D.C. And I didn't want to ask, but I thought to myself "IBS. What's the big deal? are you crapping worms? Do you have to take a yearly 'de-worming' pill? Have you ever thrown up and crapped your pants simultaneously in the middle of the street 10 miles away from home? Then I don't think I would mind a little IBS instead of the South American Shoots"

However, if she had told me it involved samples of a floating & greasy nature, I might've changed my mind!! I'm so sorry for you. I don't wish that on anyone.

And I'm sure the stress of finding a house has nothing to do with it, right?

Athena said...

Good to know your system is working, A little to well. HAHAHA