Tuesday, May 18, 2010

It's Official...I am no longer allowed to speak to the public

My post title is true. Nate has officially told me that I am no longer allowed to speak to strangers, friends or family.
I don't normally submit so gracefully to Nate but I will make an exception in this case seeing how it deeply involved Nate, our new neighbor and me offering Nate's manhood at the neighbors' disposal.

The following happened, and I am not exaggerating this story in the least bit.

Haley walked next door to the new neighbor to introduce herself.
Knock, knock.
Door opened by a cute brunette about Haley's age.

Haley: Hi, my name is Haley. I'm your next door neighbor.
Girl: Hi, my name is Kristy.
Haley: If you ever need anything let me know. I'm right next door.
Kristy: Thanks, that's nice of you.
***Please note, before reading the continued conversation, Kristy is single and lives by herself.***

Haley: My husband is Nate. If you ever have any problems with anyone, he has no problem coming over and showing off his manhood.

Silence, long drawn out silence... crickets chirp...
Kristy doesn't say anything, just looks at Haley for a moment then glances uneasily at the house next door. She half expects to see Nate pressed against the window "showing off his manhood."
Haley doesn't realize what the heck she said. She just smiles, waves and walks away.
Kristy doesn't talk to Haley anymore. Kristy doesn't even look at Nate, which Nate didn't understand until Haley related the story to him. That's when Haley was promptly demoted from family spokesperson to mute court jester.

On another note, Nate isn't the perfect little spokesperson either.
Nate and Haley were driving down the road near their house (remember they live in the ghetto).
They notice an interesting woman walking on the sidewalk.
Nate: That lady looks like she's tooting.
Haley: How can you tell?

Haley was seriously perplexed (and somewhat nervous about this gift from the heavens), how could Nate tell if someone was tooting? The lady wasn't walking weird with her cheeks squeezing together, she didn't have a scrunched up look on her face or a look of contentment/relief. How did he know?

Nate: Look at the way she's dressed, you don't think she's prostituting?

Oh, prostituting... Haley didn't know that the lingo on the street for prostituting was tooting. Well, good to know. Hope that everyone has learned something today.

I've learned that neither Nate or I should be allowed out in public without adult supervision. Any volunteers?


Colleen Marie said...

I am NOT voulenteering to be your chaperone. If you haven't figured that out yet, there is no hope. Better go move to a cabin in the woods.

Athena said...

I feel bad for kristy, what is she suppose to think. darn it, I moved in next to crazy people.

hil said...

i second that, Logan. seriously, she's really stressed out now about the man next door with questionable habits and his wife who brags about them. also, i laughed so hard reading this! i don't think "tooting" breeds desire and is therefore detrimental to a prostitute's business.

Ali said...

On Mother' Day Sunday we were all sick so we didn't go to church. Our nice home teachers brought over the obligatory "mother's day geranium" that was passed out in church. As I was trying to tell them that the smell of geraniums always reminds me of my great grandmother's house, I inadvertently said, "It's because I smell good" And then everyone laughed at me. Because I am a moron.

But your story is much MUCH better. I think it would've been better if Nathan would've been standing in your doorway lounging in nothing but a robe that's suggestively open at the neck so she knows just what you mean by "MANHOOD". Oh, I can't wait to hear about further awkward moments with her in the hallway!

And when you said "tooting" I totally thought farting too. Thank heavens that Nate can't spy someone tooting across the room. Because I would never go into the same room as him ever again. I think that says more about me than about him.

gigi said...

I didn't know that the lingo on the street for prostituting was tooting either! Sorry you have both lost your voice privlige.

Jason and Britney said...

Don't let him take away your blogging rights! That would be a punishment for all of us, we are thoroughly entertained!