Friday, August 15, 2008

I apologize in advance to those I may offend...

*Warning, the contents of this blog may not be suitable for anyone under 14 or with a weak stomach. The contents are disturbing and explicit.

So last night I waxed my bikini line. Not because I'll be showing up on the San Diego beach in a skimpy little black bikini, but because I will have to squeeze into a swimsuit sometime in the next week and I haven't been able to find a full body speedo that I can afford.
Have you ever had anything waxed? Do you know how hard it is to be standing half naked (ok, I was completely naked) in the bathroom with one foot on the toilet and trying to get up enough nerve to rip that little strip of cloth off your sensitive inner thigh. The mental stress it causes is almost (I said almost) more torture than the actual waxing. I stood there balancing on one foot trying to count down, 3,2,1 but then remembering how much the last one had hurt, I'd start counting all over again.
The bathroom door was closed but that didn't do much to muffle the screams coming out of my mouth as one of the strips of muslin slipped out of my fingers and I had to re-rip.
Of course Nate just said I should have shaved, but my skin is pretty sensitive in that area and if I shave, it's nice and smooth for all of 1 day followed by unattractive red bumps and me trying not to scratch in a very unlady-like manner. So now I'm walking slightly bow legged and still finding little bits of wax here and there.
Why, do you ask, did I put myself through such torture? We are going on vacation to San Diego this coming week where we will be spending time on the beach, at a water park, and a swimming pool or two. I might be able to beg of one swimsuit activity but I doubt I could come up with a good enough reason to avoid the rest of the blessed events.
So now that I'm reasonably hair free in most of the desired area, my next dilemma is how to avoid drawing attention to my pasty, dumpy rear-end. Remember my swimsuit disaster? Well I still haven't found a magic swimsuit that would lift, tone and tan my generous booty. I've done some squats and lunges in between bites of cake and Popsicles but for some reason, I've haven't seen a single butt dimple disappear. Can't figure out why... And so, now here I am, one day until we fly out and all I can do is eat a bag of twizzlers while I despair over not having a swimsuit and not wanting to wear one if I did find "the one."
Last night watching the women's gymnastics I couldn't help but envy the perfectly chiseled tooshie of Nastia Liukin who won the gold. Would I exchange a tight little bum for the neck of a football player, I believe I would. Yes, I believe I would indeed.

And so now I will end my tale of the waxed bikini line and the sagging honky-tonk bidonki-donk. And if you happen to be on the beach in San Diego and see this:

Know that it's not mine, I'm on the other beach probably sitting next to this guy:
so that I feel a little bit better about myself.


Leah said...

When are ya'll leaving?

Amanda said...

Hilarious. I have never waxed and don't know that I will ever try. I think I would totally take the ugly bum over the football player neck anyday. I hope you share some great times when you get back!!!

Aramie Randall said...

I too have very sensitive skin and shaving can be an experiment in torture sometimes! I love Twizzlers. Do you know that I only just found out tonight that you guys are moving up here?? How is it possible that I didn't know this?

Cindy Judd said...

I wish I had a booty like yours. I have a rear end that looks like I stuffed two greco-roman wrestlers in my jeans and when I walk it looks like they are in a battle to the death....neither one wins.The battle is ever on. They just keep battling each other as I walk along.
I can't wait to see you tonight.
Love you dear!!

gigi said...

Yall have a great time and think of me! I still haven't made it to San Diago yet. Maybe next year. Are yall going to the zoo? I heard that they have a wonderful zoo there.

I just use a "very good" razor!

hil said...

Haley, before you publish pictures of me on the beach, i wish you would ask for my permission. i mean, i was top-less and everything! (guess i should've shaved my stomach!). yeah, i would totally trade for a gymnasts butt, even if it meant a thick neck. i'd just walk around in my chonies all the time! nobody would even notice my man neck. but, i saw you in a bathing suit and you are gorgeous, of course. i had so much fun seeing you guys. i miss you so much.