Friday, April 24, 2009

I Hate wal-mart*

Do you ever find yourself at wal-mart, standing in one of the three open lines and wondering if saving $.50 on bum spray and hair dye is worth the wait?
I hate wal-mart, every aspect of it and yet to save two quarters I drive around trying to find a close parking spot so I don't get hit up for money by a lady who has a newly purchased pack of cigarettes in her hand. Then I walk through the doors and try to smile at the poor old guy working as a greeter because his retirement isn't enough to pay for his small expenses. After which I have to walk down the isles dodging parked shopping carts because most people don't have enough common courtesy to pull their cart out of the way. Then I have to go to the bathroom but there's no way in h*ll that I'm going to use a wal-mart bathroom so I spend the rest of my time waddling down the feminine products isle as fast as I can.
AND to top it all off I try to find which of the three checkout stands has the shortest line, none of them do so I take a gamble and go to the "20 items or less" line. I lose my gamble as I stand behind either a group of Mexicans who have two cart loads of junk thinking that the sign says "20 carts or less" or an old lady who takes 10 minutes to write a check and then has to wait at the check stand to make sure she wasn't charged twice for her package of prunes.
Ok, I exaggerate but you all know exactly what I'm talking about.
Do you ever find yourself counting the number of items of the cart in front of you? Like you're going to do something like tattle to the ever friendly wal-mart manager that the person ahead of you as 23 items.
The absolutely worst part about wal-mart, you go there to save money on your bum spray and hair dye but you still end up paying around $100.0 for all the little things that you find there. You might not really need them but you see them and they cost $1.99 and then next thing you know you need a shopping cart (which the wheels don't work) because the little basket doesn't hold all the cosmetics it takes to make you beautiful and keep your bummy-bum smelling fresh.
Did I just about capture everything? Of course as you drag your germ infested shopping cart around the parking lot trying to find your car you have to dodge drivers who are busy trying to find the closest parking spot to the door. It's just a vicious cycle.
I hate wal-mart. "Why does she shop there then?" You're asking yourself. I know what you're thinking.
BECAUSE I'M BROKE and broke people shop at wal-mart. Leave me alone.

*You'll notice I didn't capitalize wal-mart, that's because I hate them and I'll do anything I can to get back at them.


hil said...

i think not capitalizing will really stick it to wal-mart. yeah! damn the man! what i really want to know is, what is bum spray? i mean, uh, not that i'm interested or anything, um, um...yeah, wal-mart is a hell-hole but at least when i spend $100 at wally world i come out with about 4 bags whereas $100 at albertsons (notice i didn't capitalize? bastards) leaves me with 1 bag and 1 measley monopoly game piece. jerks. i hear you, girl. wal-mart is dirty and horrible. and why are there 37 registers when they're only going to open 2 of them? are they for decoration? are they not functional?

Washington Cowgirl said...

Hil, Nate introduced me to bum spray you can find it in the same aisle at deodorant. It's to help you smell "fresh" all day long. Personally, I think Nate just likes the way it tingles between his little cheekies.

Athena said...

well haley i glad Nate feels that way with bum spray.

Tia said...

That's exactly why Manuel doesn't let us shop there. Also, everything we have bought from walmart, has broken within days of getting it. Also, I can't ever find anything that fits properly.

Ali said...

I totally agree with Judd. The lower case letters burn so deep I don't know what to do.

I also hate wal-mart and really don't go there that often. It's not based on principle, it's based on the fact that it's so freaking far away.

And I TOTALLY love that you admitted to bum spray! I didn't know it existed, but now I'm going to look for it!

By the way, in addition to no lanes open, abandoned carts and parking spot hunters, you will also find the following within 3 min of walking into any walmart:

1-very hefty woman with no bra on and saggy boobs down to her waist
2-a middle aged woman with no teeth smacking her gums as she walks
3-some college kids stocking up on ramen noodles and toilet paper and finally;
4-a mother with 5 kids attached to her cart many of which have no shirt, no shoes no pants, a persistent kool-ade stain on their upper lip or any combination of the 4.

Happy shopping everyone!

gigi said...

I have a friend that calls me everytime she goes to W-M and is usually screaming that she will never go back in there again. And the good friend that I am, I have to remind her that is what she said last time.

Well when she called last week she told me that she was tired of the man that keeps asking her for food. She brought her a can of soup from home to give him. What a GREAT idea!

Jess said...

Which day of the estrogen are you on? ;o)

Jocelyn said...

I hate Wal-mart too! (I'm sorry, I can't join you on the no capitalization thing. I was an English major, and I would just lose sleep over a thing like that.)

I'd tell you all the reasons I hate Wal-mart, but I'm afraid this would be really long comment. I might have to do a Wal-mart post of my own if I ever get the time.

Thanks for filling us in on the bum spray. I was curious.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

I know right???????
It's the place I love to hate!! I personally think that when the Bible refers to there being only one store where you buy everything in the book of's talkin about Wal-Mark!!

Steady On
Reggie Girl