Sunday night I made the fatal mistake of watching the Miss USA Pageant. Inspiring? No. Enlightening? Hardly. Exciting? Not in the least. Depressing? Yes.
I don't know why I watched it. There's not one uplifting (well, their bosoms were uplifting...bad joke) thing about watching 50 perfectly plastic surgery molded women strut around in little bikinis and spout off their opinions about politics.
That's not what I want to focus on in this post. But first, before we get down to business, I want to give props to Miss California, Carrie Prejean. She was asked what she thought about same-sex marriages and her answer might or might not have cost her the crown.
She said that she was grateful to live in a country where people could make their own choices but she herself grew up believing that marriage was between a man and a woman. The judge that asked her the question happened to be homosexual himself so obviously he wasn't happy with the answer. I personally thought it was very diplomatic and I respect Carrie for standing up for what she believed. She came in second place.
Again, I'm focusing more on this than I'd like to. Back to the real post at hand, I'm excited to announce the formation of the gang to be known as the Shred Pack. That's right, I've joined a gang that might or might not be unsavory. So far our members include:
Hil "Sugar Britches"
Jess "Honey Buns"
Aramie "Sweet n' Sour"
Haley "Saucy Tang"
(all unsavory characters if you ask me, actually those names are making me hungry)
This is our gang symbol, we're all going to get this tattooed on our left bum cheek. I haven't mentioned the tattoo to the rest of the gang yet, I think it will go over well though.
We've created the ultimate gang and our leader:
Sensei Jillian Michaels
I know she looks looks like a man but look at those abs. I really think I know how she got those abs. It's all about the 30 Day Shred which is broken up into three seperate workouts. Strength training, cardio and abs in a 20 minute workout. Seriously, it's a 20 minute workout, that's it. The first day I tried it I was thinking "This isn't so bad. Jillians not that mean." Then I went to pause the workout to get a drink but she read my mind "Don't you pause this dvd." She yelled at me. "You don't get abs like these without pain!" My eyes teared up as stumbled and floundered like hippo on ice skates. I had to take a break, just one second..."Don't you quit now, you want a 20 minute workout? You workout the whole time!!!" Jillian was in my mind, how does she know?
As we finished our last set of abs I was laying on the ground thinking that it really hadn't been that bad of a workout. Maybe I wasn't as out of shape as I originally thought. "OK, good job guys. Let's get up and stretch a little." Jillian's voice sounded so kind, like an angel, a sweet, sweet angel. I rolled on my stomach and tried to push myself up. I couldn't, my arms weren't working. I couldn't get up. I spent the rest of the stretching laying on my stomach. Once I got a little strength in my arms I dragged myself to the kitchen to raid the leftover chocolate in the easter basket. The next morning I cried as my arms hung uselessly at my side. I had to get shower and get dressed by using my feet. Picture it, just picture me washing my hair as my toes massage my scalp.
Anyway, I was fairly dedication to the 30 Day Shred last week. Hil left me a message that she had moved on to the second level of workouts. GO HIL!!! I decided I needed to man up and do the second level too...
Holy hell, I move that Jillian's name be changed to Satan. Motion passed! I won't go into to too many sweaty, tearstained details but just know that I didn't finish the whole workout. I think it's going to be good though because I didn't even have the strength to go find some chocolate, I just laid in a quivering, stinky ball. Yes sir, I think this is the workout for me.
If you'd like to join the Shred Pack please send your name, address, a 200 word essay to prove you're tough enough to join the Shred Pack. Also include a video or picture of you in bright yellow spandex because we can't have any Miss USA contestants in our midst.