Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Shred Pack

Sunday night I made the fatal mistake of watching the Miss USA Pageant. Inspiring? No. Enlightening? Hardly. Exciting? Not in the least. Depressing? Yes.
I don't know why I watched it. There's not one uplifting (well, their bosoms were uplifting...bad joke) thing about watching 50 perfectly plastic surgery molded women strut around in little bikinis and spout off their opinions about politics.

That's not what I want to focus on in this post. But first, before we get down to business, I want to give props to Miss California, Carrie Prejean. She was asked what she thought about same-sex marriages and her answer might or might not have cost her the crown.
She said that she was grateful to live in a country where people could make their own choices but she herself grew up believing that marriage was between a man and a woman. The judge that asked her the question happened to be homosexual himself so obviously he wasn't happy with the answer. I personally thought it was very diplomatic and I respect Carrie for standing up for what she believed. She came in second place.

Again, I'm focusing more on this than I'd like to. Back to the real post at hand, I'm excited to announce the formation of the gang to be known as the Shred Pack. That's right, I've joined a gang that might or might not be unsavory. So far our members include:
Hil "Sugar Britches"
Jess "Honey Buns"
Aramie "Sweet n' Sour"
Haley "Saucy Tang"

(all unsavory characters if you ask me, actually those names are making me hungry)

This is our gang symbol, we're all going to get this tattooed on our left bum cheek. I haven't mentioned the tattoo to the rest of the gang yet, I think it will go over well though.

We've created the ultimate gang and our leader:
Sensei Jillian Michaels

I know she looks looks like a man but look at those abs. I really think I know how she got those abs. It's all about the 30 Day Shred which is broken up into three seperate workouts. Strength training, cardio and abs in a 20 minute workout. Seriously, it's a 20 minute workout, that's it. The first day I tried it I was thinking "This isn't so bad. Jillians not that mean." Then I went to pause the workout to get a drink but she read my mind "Don't you pause this dvd." She yelled at me. "You don't get abs like these without pain!" My eyes teared up as stumbled and floundered like hippo on ice skates. I had to take a break, just one second..."Don't you quit now, you want a 20 minute workout? You workout the whole time!!!" Jillian was in my mind, how does she know?
As we finished our last set of abs I was laying on the ground thinking that it really hadn't been that bad of a workout. Maybe I wasn't as out of shape as I originally thought. "OK, good job guys. Let's get up and stretch a little." Jillian's voice sounded so kind, like an angel, a sweet, sweet angel. I rolled on my stomach and tried to push myself up. I couldn't, my arms weren't working. I couldn't get up. I spent the rest of the stretching laying on my stomach. Once I got a little strength in my arms I dragged myself to the kitchen to raid the leftover chocolate in the easter basket. The next morning I cried as my arms hung uselessly at my side. I had to get shower and get dressed by using my feet. Picture it, just picture me washing my hair as my toes massage my scalp.

Anyway, I was fairly dedication to the 30 Day Shred last week. Hil left me a message that she had moved on to the second level of workouts. GO HIL!!! I decided I needed to man up and do the second level too...
Holy hell, I move that Jillian's name be changed to Satan. Motion passed! I won't go into to too many sweaty, tearstained details but just know that I didn't finish the whole workout. I think it's going to be good though because I didn't even have the strength to go find some chocolate, I just laid in a quivering, stinky ball. Yes sir, I think this is the workout for me.

If you'd like to join the Shred Pack please send your name, address, a 200 word essay to prove you're tough enough to join the Shred Pack. Also include a video or picture of you in bright yellow spandex because we can't have any Miss USA contestants in our midst.


Ali said...

Firstly, I hate fake boobs. I can spot them a mile away. And I hate them. I hate how they look and I hate the women who have them. Except for my sister in law. And my other sister in law. never mind about that "hate" comment.

Secondly, I would LOVE to join your useless arm, butt-tattoo Jillian worshiping club. My name will be "Jiggle Thighs" combining the essence of Jell-o brand foods AND what my fat does when I walk.

Finally, where can one get this Shred? Hil also talked about it, but she didn't say where to get it (online?) and what I would need to turn my arms into useless sticks by my sides. Please tell!

Campbell said...

I HAVE THE DVD TOO!!! She is so tough but it feels so good afterwards. Good job for doing it.

Aramie Randall said...

Dang it, Haley! I thought I could be part of the pack by just buying the dvd. Now you are forcing me to actually use it!
I would like to suggest a name change for myself. I don't like the "sour" part of my new name, so from here on out I shall be known as Sasha Fierce. No, wait, Beyonce already took that one. The artist formerly known as Prince? No, that's not it. I've got it- my new nick name is "Rock Candy." My abs will soon be hard as a rock, but I'm still sweet and delicious.
Once the desired results have been achieved I think our club should seriously consider a trip to Vegas to wear bikinis and get our glorious symbol tattooed on our perfectly sculpted butts. Shredders Unite!!

hil said...

yes Haley, i too appreciate the miss usa contestant, though i do hate them all on principle. that said, heck yeah for that tattoo! and Jiggle Thighs, you can get it at your local Target. i like Rock Candy's Vegas idea. we'll also go running in our bikinis. everything will go slow-motion and men's heads will turn as we run by, with no bodily flaws, and chariots of fire will play ominously in the distance. it's gonna be awesome. i'm proud to be a member of the Shredder club and thank you Saucy Tang for uniting us under Jillian's banner of agony. i'm all about the tattoo and willing to give it to us myself, if you're brave. bring on the pain, Jillian!

hil said...

oh yeah, and Hay Hay? "quivering stinking ball" is probably the greatest line i've ever read in my entire literate life. fantastic.

Colleen Marie said...

I was really excited about the idea of being in a gang. I've watched Alias too much, and think that every group of friends I have should have some secret sort of plan, and a name, the Covenant, The Unit, The Trust, or The Alliance.
I was all for being in your Shred pack, thinking it was in some way a reference to the TMNT, and was working on my own nickname, something to do with ice or frozen, maybe sno-cone, or freezer-pop. Chunky Monkey, as it is both frozen, and describes my appearance.
Then I saw the part about the exercise. Sheesh. Not only is there not a Target near me, but I'm too lazy for this exercise thing.
If you feel like starting a club that involves making cookies and then sitting around eating them, I'm all for that.

hil said...

i want to join Colleen Marie's cookie club, too.

Jess said...

Oh yes, that tatoo is going to be awesome! We'll all get it at the reunion! The only problem with your vision Hil about us all running in bikini's in slow motion is that you and I will have quite a problem. Our boobs will go up in slow motion whack us in the chin causing us to bite our lips and then go down (when I say down I mean ALLLLLL the way to the floor)causing us to almost trip over them but then recover just enough to get hit back in the head knocking us unconsious (spelling?). Leaving only two memebers of the gang looking hot and running in slow motion. So yes technically the men will be watching but only in utter disbelief that they witness two such casualties right before their very eyes! Praise Jillian!

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Ugh........what's not to love about a pageant??? I mean, it is all natural beauty afterall right?
Yep, and monkeys are flying out of my behind right this very minute, lol.
I hate to work out. I even hated gym class in school. I run around so much that that is just going to have to be exercise enough. I just don't feel like it!! I hate that lady with the nice abs...okay, maybe hate is a strong word.
Love the tatty!! I have one and it hurts a lil so have a Bloody Mary before you do it......I'm just sayin........

Steady On
Reggie Girl