Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dear George,

Dear George,

I would like to write a letter to you to tell you Happy Birthday and now that you're 48 maybe you should realize that you're not the hottie you were 10 years ago. I would like to say that maybe you need to rethink this whole eternal bachelor thing and find some desperate girl to marry you because you're at an age that no one will want you. But all of those would be a lies, horrible, terrible lies. Like a fine wine you only get better with age.

In regards to your last letter to me, I'm flattered by your attentions but I think we both know that I would never leave Nate. Besides you know that I could never be with a man who's fabulous rear-end has been on the big screen for all women and gay men to enjoy. Or was that a stand-in bum? Either way, you missed your chance with me as I've told you numerous times before.
And yes, Nate is a lucky guy. I tell him that daily so he won't forget.

Please stop writing and calling, I am perfectly happy living in the ghetto, two blocks from the homeless shelter, across the street from one of the most profitable hooker corners in SLC, next door to a drug dealer and a 1/2 mile away from Weinerschnetzel. Life is too good right now to mess it up with the glamor of Hollywood.

I know you'll understand why I can't come to your birthday celebration. Please enjoy and let me wish you many happy returns.

Your ex-lover,



Aramie Judd-Randall said...

Are you in love with a younger man now too? Well, nearly every good-looking man (with the exception of Sean Connory) is younger than George, but I meant younger than yourself. I know I broke Gerard Butler's heart when I left him for Rob. Maybe they should start a support group. "Older men who know that once you've had a Judd woman there is no point in enduring to the end in this sick charade known as life" support group. For short it will be known as O.M.W.K.T.O.Y.H.A.J.W.T.I.N.P.I.E.T.T.E.I.T.S.C.K.A.L.

Ali said...

I Love your posts. And I love you more and more every time I read one. And Now I sound crazy, so I'll stop.

By the way, that picture of Darby sleeping with her cupcake is AWESOME! Makes me laugh so hard. That kid is a riot.

George is so sad. I heard him weeping from here. You are a heart breaker indeed!

hil said...

i'm going to let your George crush slide, and mostly because of that last picture which is really nice and because it's the only mistake you've ever made. George, Haley? you could do so, SO much better than George. can you even imagine saying something romantic to a guy named "George?" i'd end up calling him Georgey Porgy. man, he's never gonna let you go when you're all shredded and wearing one of your Daddy o dresses, right? Nate's going to have to step in and fight for your honor. Nate was just telling me the other day how gorgeous you are. don't tell him i told you because he'd just be embarrassed, but it is a true story.

Betty Jo said...

Since looks can be very deceiving I will stick with the tangible boys in my life.