Sunday, July 17, 2011

Le Laxative

I took a laxative last night for the first time in my life. I should be the anti-Activia spokesperson (sorry Jamie Lee, but I will take you down). In fact I usually pop Immodium like tic-tacs. "Regularity" has never been a problem for me which has been a blessing and a retched curse.
Something changed last night and with a concerned Nate at my side, I considered taking half of a laxative. The box said results 6 to 12 hours.
"Ok," I thought to myself "it's 10:00 pm now. Church starts at 10:00 am. My body will probably react 10 minutes after I take the the pill. Laxative is a go."
I then proceeded to take the pill-o-Satan.
10 minutes passed, nothing. Went to bed ( I have to be totally honest with you all, I had the tiniest fear that an issue would arise while I slept). Woke up this morning, nothing. Prepared for church, nothing. Maybe my body was immune to laxative. That's like a superhero kind of power isn't it? (My mind drifts for a moment, bare with me my friends, as I think about what my superhero name would be. "The Commodian" was all I could come up with. I welcome any other names."
Dressed in our finest, we leave for church at 9:30 with no signs of problems.
10:00, and church has begun. The laxative has left my mind as I sing a hymn and listen to a prayer.
Before the hour is up I will be home after the longest drive of my life. In between curses I prayed that I wouldn't get pulled over by a policeman, that wouldn't end up well for anyone involved.
I shall now spend the rest of my evening writing a strongly worded letter to the laxative company and file a complaint. Apparently there was a misprint on the box. It should say:
"results in 6 to 12 1/2 hours."



Ali said...

I am immune to laxatives and stool softeners! I thought I was the only one. I am not kidding! I once took like 8 stool softeners and got NOTHING! Normal people take 2 or at max 3! But maybe I just need to take this Diablo Pill that you used. What's the brand name? "Satan's Little Helper"? I'll look for it in Walmart

I love LOVE that you went to church and had a butt clinching, white knuckle ride home. That sounds harrowing, and adrenaline filled! I guess everyone who ever rides in your car ever again should be happy that it was adrenaline that was filling your body, instead of something else filling your pants.

Athena said...

This is one reason why I love my sister, Because of how open she is about her life.

hil said...

oops, i posted my comment to this post on the next one. i have been gone and thus, missed these wonderful posts!

now that i commented a post late about laxatives, i'll comment a post early about toilet seat pee (or is it early/late? i don't know). anyway, i once took Darby to the bathroom at Applebees as we were driving through to Aramie's in tx. her pee angled out onto the floor, and i didn't know what to do! i cleaned her up (it didn't actually get on her---just the floor/seat). i took her back out to her Dad and went back to try and figure something out. there was already a lady in the ill-fated stall. i could see by her feet that she was sitting, not hovering, and that her pants were long and a little bit under her shoes. so, she got a healthy dose of Darby potty both on her hiney and her jeans. sweet action! i left the bathroom in complete silence and stealth, like a ninja, and ushered my family out of the restaurant quickly, before a urinalysis could be completed and an identification made. but i swear that we have never been to your work bathrooms. it wasn't us!