Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Orange Spandex Dress

My mind wanders back to a time in my young life to about the age of 15. My best friend was JD and we were like two crazy peas in a pod. We would drive to school in her green station wagon (with one white door) blasting Backstreet Boys and "Lady in Red."
JD had more fashion sense that I did so I frequently borrow clothes from her to add to my "unique" wardrobe. For some reason (which I didn't think about until years later), JD never really borrowed anything of mine.
The one item in my wardrobe that JD thought was a brilliant purchase on my part was a bright orange spandex dress. I probably bought it at Wal-Mart or Target (I was a big spender). This dress hung to every nonexistent curve and hiney-dimple. One day I would wear the dress with my orange jelly shoes, the next day JD would strut her stuff as a vision in orange spandex. Being spandex it was a magical dress that made each wearer feel like the pumpkin of the ball.

The "Orange Spandex Dress Episode" as it is affectionately called was bound to happen. We're talking about spandex, spandex as a dress and two very silly friends, it was impossible to avoid; that's all I'm saying.
It was a lovely Sunday. We were at church. Our Sunday School class had finished early so we were waiting for my mom to get out of Relief Society. JD had won the dress that day during a coin toss. I wouldn't say what I did to her was because I was bitter that I'd lost.
As we stood by the doorway waiting for all the ladies in church to get out of their meeting, I enviously (I mean, happily) looked at JD in the orange spandex dress. My mind was momentarily possessed by a naughty little devil as I reach out, grabbed hold of the bottom of the dress and stretched it down the JD's ankles. The dress was made of such high quality spandex that it easily stretched from her knees to her ankles. We both laughed... but then, we were startled as the door to Relief Society opened and waves of women came rushing out of the door. In my surprise, I quickly straightened up and let go of the spandex dress. Like all good spandex is suppose to do, in a flash of lightening, the dress defied gravity and in a millisecond, it left JD's ankles bare. But it didn't stop at her knees where it started. Before JD could even scream or smack me, the orange spandex dress ended it's journey at her arm pits, leaving everything below fully exposed to the rush of church going women. We both froze for a second in awe at the miracle, a gravity defying dress. There was a collective gasp from the peanut gallery of Christian women envied the smooth skin of JD's youthful tummy, legs and booty. I turned to flee from my best friend as she clumsily pulled the orange fabric over her near-naked body. I believe I made it out to the parking lot before JD tackled me, an admirable distant for myself considering the amount of rage she had in her which had given her un-human like speed.

The moral of this story: Always wear shorts underneath your orange spandex dress or don't wear a orange spandex dress around me.

There was no peacock on my dress, pity.


Athena said...

i was always wanting to hang out with you two but there were times that i was not older enough to go with you, but now i can hang out with you and go with except for the bars. J/K

Ali said...

I'm not trying to "one up" you but I have a very similar story that I think is just a little bit worse than yours:

#1 I was almost 22 when it happened
#2 I was on my mission
#3 I did it in front of my whole ZONE (approx 11 other MALE missionaries) who all saw ALL of me in my chones.

We are talking skirt flying up to my waist, everyone being able to see my G top tucked in, that's how high up my skirt flew.

And the worst part? I did it to myself! No one pulled my skirt down and then let it boomerang up. Nope, this was ALL ME baby.

Ask Judd, she was there. She probably has tried to block it from her memory. But it's there all right.

At least you have comforting thought that only WOMEN saw it coming out of RS and you were very young. Did I mention I was almost a year into my mission? Gawl, I'm an idiot.

sarah-renee said...

you know what's horrible?? I think I remember that dress...I wasn't around for that incident...but I can picture it and thanks so much for the laugh!!