Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dear Cute Little Mouse in my Desk,

Dear Cute Little Mouse in my Desk,

Apparently you don't know who I am. Let me introduce myself: My name is Haley, I am a Leo who truly enjoys long walks on the beach and dancing naked in the rain. I have a long list of friends and an even longer list of enemies. As you've probably guessed I also enjoy eating salt and vinegar chips since you found a bag in my desk and helped yourself. I've seen and done things that would make your hairy little tail seize up in terror. Ever heard of a boa constrictor? Look it up on Wikipedia maybe you'll learn something that will save your furry life.

I'll admit that I was a little put out when I found your nasty droppings in the bottom of the drawer last week. I forgave you though because when you've got to go, you've got to go (I understand that pain more than you'll ever understand) but eating another persons chips is near unforgivable. In fact the last cute little mouse in my desk that ate my chips was fitted with a set of cement shoes and sent on a permanent vacation, if you get my drift. Do you get my drift?

Oh, cute little mouse in my desk, I remember when I was a mouse. Those were good times, running around without a care in my little mouse mind. The world was my oyster and I ate and pooped where ever and whatever I wanted ACCEPT FOR SOMEONES SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS!!!! Some things are sacred never to be touched, you're best friends wife or his golf clubs are two examples of the top items that are to be left alone. I'll let you guess what the close third item is.

Let me propose an idea to you. I'll give you three options, you pick which of the three suits you best.
Option 1: You leave Utah and never come back. You pack up your little stinky mouse family and head to Las Vegas where you will feel really at home.
Option 2: Two words: Mouse Trap. It will be a little messy but I have guys who don't mind stuff like that, we'll send your wife your little vermin body dressed in a pine overcoat.
Option 3: Two more words: Boa Constrictor. There won't be nothing to send back to your family unless I'm feeling really nice and decide to just send them the whole snake.

The choice is yours. I'll give you 24 hours to get out of town before I set the cats on you.

Yours Truly,

aka Lana the Assassin


hil said...

Dear Haley-

i'm sorry i ate your chips and pooped in your desk; i figured that you, of all people, would understand. please have mercy on a poor little hungry mouse, just taking your food to feed my starving family. i'm like Robinhood that way; a local hero, actually. your threats, while fearsome, force me to issue my own. i have sent some correspondance to my colony and they stand at the ready for the day that i do not return. they are loaded down with disease and diarrhea, so if i'm offed, they know where to strike. formalities aside, i'd like to know how you know that you love dancing naked in the rain. know that i only stalk your desk because i love you.

Morty Mouserton

hil said...

p.s. that's so nasty, Haley! i'd be laying out some serious traps. in one of my apartments in Ecuador, we had a mouse and we would hear him every night. one day, my comp bought some vegetable oil and left it on the counter (in Ecuador, the oil is in plastic bags and not bottles). in the morning, all the oil was gone; just an empty bag on the counter with no spill of oil anywhere. we never heard the mouse again. so, we didn't know that it would do the trick, but apparently if a mouse eats a bag of vegetable oil, he's a goner! or, he was just too morbidly obese to ever move again. one of the two.